Bad hands can’t stop a good omelet

By John Owen | Sep 05, 2013

If you followed the daily reports, you would conclude that the current  Seattle Mariners don't run very fast, don't hit the ball often enough and, most distressing, they are afflicted with bad hands.

OK, I have no background as a batting coach, pitching coach or team psychiatrist.  But by George, I can recognize a pair of bad hands from here to Cooperstown. That talent also serves me well in the kitchen.

I have written a few cookbooks, I can spill pancake batter with the best of them.  But my primary qualification is this one:  I covered the Seattle Pilots as a sports writer and editor from opening day to their demise in the summer and fall of 1969.

Now there was a team with collective bad hands.  The Pilots led the American League with 167 errors.  Custer didn't boot that many at the Little Big Horn.  History does not record whether any of the company cooks serving the Seventh Cavalry survived.

Bad hands are a fatal curse for anyone trying to feed an army on omelets.

Exposure to Army cooks and to the 1969 Seattle Pilots forced me to create a foolproof recipe for the physically challenged, which includes shortstops who kick a grounder or an amateur chef who freezes over the frying pan when instructed to "deftly fold an omelet in half then serve on a warm platter."

That's one reason the following recipe is a winner.  There is no deftness required.

Bad Hands Omelet

One medium zucchini will serve two.  Wash it and then chop, unpeeled, into quarter-inch cubes.  Toss into some boiling water for three minutes, then drain in a colander and dry with a paper towel.

Soak two tablespoons fine bread crumbs in two tablespoons of cold milk while you are lightly beating four eggs in a bowl and pre-heating your oven broiler.

Toss into another bowl the zucchini, the soaked bread crumbs, two tablespoon grated parmesan cheese, one half teaspoon of grated lemon peel and one quarter teaspoon salt. Mix, add the beaten eggs and mix again, lightly.

Melt two tablespoons butter in a skillet.  When it begins to sizzle lightly, glunk in the zucchini-egg mixture.

When lightly browned on the bottom, DO NOT deftly fold the omelet in half.  Instead sprinkle a couple more tablespoons of parmesan on top and shove the skillet under the broiler, three inches from the heat for a minute, and serve.

And don't feel distraught if you drop the skillet halfway between the stove and the table.

You have messed up a great brunch. But some people just have bad hands.

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