A sex test that really is full of beans

By John Owen | Feb 13, 2014

As far as we know, sex-testing does not seem to be a significant factor in the gold-medal tabulations from the Winter Olympics.

It could be that the IOC staff was equipped with scientific evaluations never achieved before. I think they had spies in Edmonds, Wash., copying my recipe for Sex Test Soup.

That formula and ingredients, easily obtainable at any Snohomish County supermarket, could clearly define during rigid laboratory testing the major difference between men and women.

The testing methodology involves lining men and women up at the chow line on or about 7 a.m. to be confronted by large bowls of bean soup… preferably purple bean soup, With lots of cayenne, if there is any lingering doubt about sexual orientation.

Females are absolutely incapable of absorbing bean soup for breakfast, just as men develop lockjaw if confronted by tomato aspic as a bedtime snack.

Too bad for the ladies, because bean soup is possibly the perfect breakfast food, especially if it is purple bean soup with lots of cayenne. One pot, constructed on Sunday, will last all week.

Breakfast can be reheated while you are shaving. The hot pepper powder is guaranteed to wake you up and clear your sinuses. And this particular soup never lets you forget that you are loaded and ready to fire.

Let the women -- including female ski jumpers and luge runners -- ruin their innards with an insipid white gruel, awash with 2 percent milk. They are certainly not going to build bridges, conquer new frontiers or shoot a decent game of pool on such a diet.

But first you must learn the essential formula for physical and mental health.

SEX TEST SOUP

1 pound dried black beans

2 quarts water

1 chopped onion

1 rib of celery, chopped

a ham bone or a pound of smoked ham hocks

1 1/2 tablespoon lemon juice

salt, pepper

1/2 teaspoon garlic salt

1/2 teaspoon dry mustard

cayenne to taste

1/2 cup sherry

Wash the beans and soak them overnight. See? They aren't black beans at all. They are purple. Anyway, pour off the purple water, wash the beans again and put in a large pot with the two quarts of water, the onion, celery and ham bone. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer about four hours.

Remove the ham bone or hocks. Discard the bones and reserve meat.

Run the soup through a food blender in a couple of batches and return to the pot with the ham chunks, lemon juice, mustard and garlic salt. Taste and add to your pleasure salt, pepper and cayenne.

Simmer another 30 minutes, then add the sherry just before serving.

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